Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
