i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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