Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
