You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
