Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize