i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
