Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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