I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
