Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
