I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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