If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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