Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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