I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
