guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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