Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
