she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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