Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
