He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
