Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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