just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
