i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
