Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
