OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
