Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
