ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize