I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
