she woke up with a sticky ear
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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