Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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