I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
