one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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