Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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