so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
