I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
