That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
