Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
