My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
