Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
