Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Blood and glitter go together right?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My penis needs a shock collar
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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