I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
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