I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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