woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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