im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
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