have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
dude. I can hear the air.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
