the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
