i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
