I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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