So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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