then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
