I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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