i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
