Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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