waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
