I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Randomize
