Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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