So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
