:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
