Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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