My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
